The stars are far away
Monday, August 30, 2004
I'm not over you..
i went home with you.. the you i thought i have forgotten..the you i thought i had blocked out from my world..but i guess my heart didn't allow me to forget you just as yet..i gazed at you..i tried to smile so as to prove that i'm happy..i've moved on just as you have moved on but i haven't..I'm not over you..my heart still yearns to be with you..i need you but you don't need me anymore.. i know that.. when i look at you..all you see are my smiles..but do you know everytime i look out of the bus..my smile fades.. You refer to "her" as friend..but i know she's your special someone..you don't haf to refer to as friend..i accidently look at your phone..and i saw the photo of her and you..she was leaning on your shoulder.. !!!! I'm glad that you're happy..that you love her too..but i wished you would be with me...maybe..perharps..i should be contented with being your friend but i can still feel the pain.. ! i lose my strength to hold on to you ..i lose the strength to face you..all i have left..is strength left to try to forget the love i gave to you.. I thought i had no more tears left for you..presumed you will never hurt me again but i was wrong..i cried for you again..
¶ 10:05 PM
Wishing doesn't change anything because i always wish you would tell me you still love me but its all a vuage dream that leaves me sore when i open my eyes to face the sun that is mocking at me..i'm still exhausted !
" hey hey, what would you like? apple pie? " She turned around to face her friend and he was there. Her heart skipped a beat. "oh no" she hated the sight of him. She wished he didn't appear. She felt so small in front of him, so unworthy to stand in front of him. That was how Casuarina always felt in front the guy she likes. Unworthy to be loved.
¶ 10:05 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
poNdeRs...
Is it an obsession or is he my motivation..hee i would rather think that he's my inspiration..Ronald Susilo~ gosh..!!! i'm inspired to continue to embark on my journey of badminton because of him..!! Let's see..ever since pri six after i left Gongshang's badminton school team..i haven't really played or continue training though i was still interested in badminton..but there wasn't exactly any avenue for me to continue to pursue my interest..and together with the tedious schedule in school..i had to give up on badminton. However after watching Ronald Susilo's match against Ponsana..i was inspired to play badminton ..=) Now i'm so desperate to join Singapore Badminton Association..Dream Dream..haha..but hee i'm quite sure i'm going to join badminton in the next institution i will go to!!! Ronald Susilo just puts a smile on my face, he rocks ! I think Ponsana is a very talented player too..he can play without looking at the shuttle =x haha..that's something worth learning from..!
I looked at someone intensively today and i saw the drastic change in him. i wonder if its me or has he really changed into someone i can barely recognise? He's grown up, matured..from the little silly naive boy that i know..to someone who has his own views, someone who has a temper totally foreign to me. Somehow there's this comfort and happiness in me that he has matured, but on the other hand..i'm feeling sore that he no longer that one i used to care so much for..but maybe this is a vicious cycle in life.. Human relationships aren't meant to last, with the erroding of time.. it slowly seeks its way to a new body to seek solace..leaving you behind..totally unaware..until that day ..you are totally oblivious..and when you do realised..the change is irreversible..but dwelling too much on the past..doesn't change a single thing..change~
Another thing that strike me today is that the beauty in friendship isn't because they do everything together, or because they share all their joys and woes together but because they have a mutual understanding and they learn how to compromise..They need not do every thing together, yet they are still connected. That might be flaws in the opposite party but they learn how to accept it..friends don't just leave you just because you are different..they put aside the differences in action, speech and thinking..that's the beauty of friendship.. and because of that i realise i'm a best friend a person will have because i'm narrow minded..i see differences in thinking as a major issue..i find it a tedious job to take critisism and accept opinions from friends..its like a huge seed stuck in my throat..its very uncomfortable ! but to people who has managed to cross that barrier and love your friend solely because of who they are..cheers to you =)
Her name is CaSuarina..A quiet, demure, petite girl who doesn't like to get much attention..She's happy in her own world..Satisfied with the things she had. But as her name suggests..she had this void inside her that cannot be filled..CaSuarina's have thorns to protect itself whereas she kept to herself to prevent anyone from intruding into her world..
Looking dazed most of the time..most people couldn't understand her thoughts..her wants..not even her close friends.. they presumed she more of a introvert..never ever questioning..They had fun today each day..they saw her smile..once again they presumed she was happy..but sometimes assumptions don't turn out to be true..
¶ 7:31 PM
I looked at someone intensively today and i saw the drastic change in him. i wonder if its me or has he really changed into someone i can barely recognise? He's grown up, matured..from the little silly naive boy that i know..to someone who has his own views, someone who has a temper totally foreign to me. Somehow there's this comfort and happiness in me that he has matured, but on the other hand..i'm feeling sore that he no longer that one i used to care so much for..but maybe this is a vicious cycle in life.. Human relationships aren't meant to last, with the erroding of time.. it slowly seeks its way to a new body to seek solace..leaving you behind..totally unaware..until that day ..you are totally oblivious..and when you do realised..the change is irreversible..but dwelling too much on the past..doesn't change a single thing..change~
Another thing that strike me today is that the beauty in friendship isn't because they do everything together, or because they share all their joys and woes together but because they have a mutual understanding and they learn how to compromise..They need not do every thing together, yet they are still connected. That might be flaws in the opposite party but they learn how to accept it..friends don't just leave you just because you are different..they put aside the differences in action, speech and thinking..that's the beauty of friendship.. and because of that i realise i'm a best friend a person will have because i'm narrow minded..i see differences in thinking as a major issue..i find it a tedious job to take critisism and accept opinions from friends..its like a huge seed stuck in my throat..its very uncomfortable ! but to people who has managed to cross that barrier and love your friend solely because of who they are..cheers to you =)
Her name is CaSuarina..A quiet, demure, petite girl who doesn't like to get much attention..She's happy in her own world..Satisfied with the things she had. But as her name suggests..she had this void inside her that cannot be filled..CaSuarina's have thorns to protect itself whereas she kept to herself to prevent anyone from intruding into her world..
Looking dazed most of the time..most people couldn't understand her thoughts..her wants..not even her close friends.. they presumed she more of a introvert..never ever questioning..They had fun today each day..they saw her smile..once again they presumed she was happy..but sometimes assumptions don't turn out to be true..
¶ 7:31 PM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
when emotions run wild..
i laughed, i sighed, i yawned, i smiled, i shouted, all in a day ! Emotions are such beautiful things to help a person express their thoughts..but i chose to show you an emotion i dislike..i chose to be aloof in front of you..don't ask me why, i don't haf the answer. Maybe you can try asking my heart or my brain..?? ( Question Mark) i wished you see the real me, the me who wishes to look into your eyes and smile but oh well.. when i see you.. i just want to hide, i want to run, that's why all i can do when i spot you is to bend down my head. I'm baffled too.. i don't understand why i'm acting that, but maybe one day we will finally get to know each other and then i can talk to you with a smile on my face..hopefully..!
Now when i think about Money..i think about Pad..Jacq, you're fault !! (private joke between the group 2 sisters) haha..my gosh..can't take it..-sticks tongue out-
"Why do you go for friday meetings nowadays? you haf a crush on the brothers?" my mum never fails to amuse me with her words..!! she said that in the car today..i was utterly shocked..!!! she is always making such comments..the other time she actually suspected i had a crush on this church brother who is like 1.8m? haha i know i'm short mummy~ gosh~ -faint- horibble !! totally ridiculour..but at least it made me laugh..=x
Oh and Ms neo reprimanded me and told me that i'm cheating during mock exam..as i didn't stop writing when she had said so...i feel so demoralished =( !!! -guilty- i was at my wit's end..!! i wanted to get like at least 3 pathetic marks by completing my first paragraph but obviously wrong move..!! my senses felt numb then, didn't know how to react..i remained sitted for a few minutes before taking my bag.. the feeling was wierd !! it felt like everyone was so unreal..all that matters was my pride. you can say i'm spastic..but i think my pride was deeply wounded !! i wish i could put this incident behind me..
Casuarina: small and inconspicuous, they have thorns to prevent themselves from getting hurt, they are dull so that they do not attract wild life..
¶ 9:36 PM
Now when i think about Money..i think about Pad..Jacq, you're fault !! (private joke between the group 2 sisters) haha..my gosh..can't take it..-sticks tongue out-
"Why do you go for friday meetings nowadays? you haf a crush on the brothers?" my mum never fails to amuse me with her words..!! she said that in the car today..i was utterly shocked..!!! she is always making such comments..the other time she actually suspected i had a crush on this church brother who is like 1.8m? haha i know i'm short mummy~ gosh~ -faint- horibble !! totally ridiculour..but at least it made me laugh..=x
Oh and Ms neo reprimanded me and told me that i'm cheating during mock exam..as i didn't stop writing when she had said so...i feel so demoralished =( !!! -guilty- i was at my wit's end..!! i wanted to get like at least 3 pathetic marks by completing my first paragraph but obviously wrong move..!! my senses felt numb then, didn't know how to react..i remained sitted for a few minutes before taking my bag.. the feeling was wierd !! it felt like everyone was so unreal..all that matters was my pride. you can say i'm spastic..but i think my pride was deeply wounded !! i wish i could put this incident behind me..
Casuarina: small and inconspicuous, they have thorns to prevent themselves from getting hurt, they are dull so that they do not attract wild life..
¶ 9:36 PM
Friday, August 20, 2004
Initial
I always thought that one of my virtues would be patience ( and i'm proud of it ) but to my dismay, i realise that i'm losing my cool so easily these days.. Its to an extent that i become pissed at myself for shouting and snapping at the people around me..especially my parents..!! Like hello~ wake up girl, what is wrong with you..!!! i can feel the pressure forming around the barricades that i have build around my world to protect myself..to detach myself..i'm giving in to the pressure that is surrounding me..! The next thing i know..my eyes might just pop out!!
Depressing as it may be..i choose to believe that after whining and whining and whining..everything will fall into place..and things will be just fine ..-smilez- Oh well.. i don't have much of a choice, do i ? i can either a) find a victim to whine at or b) cry in a dark corner of the room with the insects or c) scream at everyone that crosses my path..Eventually i choose option a..as for the victim..it shall not be disclosed !
Basically..this blog started mainly due to the frustration i feeling now..and i need to vent it out ..or else..people will start suspecting its the time of the month again~ Another reason would be zhuang, cause he's the one who encouraged me to start blogging..and here i am :P..
I realised that there are some people in the world who never fails to hurt you over and over again..without knowing that they are doing so.. Fascinating isn't it..the person is totally oblivious to his actions and the impact that it has on the people around him.. i couldn't say anything..or rather i was speechless..He doesn't understand the importance he has in a person's life.. That instant when i realised that , it felt like someone had just injected anesthesia into me ..i can't feel anything initially..but gradually the pain sinks in..and it hurts big time ! This time round, the pain doesn't go away..it persists . Maybe one day he will discover what it feels like to hurt someone unknowing..maybe he will feel guilty..i don't know..the future is too unpredictable..but one thing is for sure..the pain has already been inflicted..it wouldn't go away. To that person..don't feel guilty..its not going to lessen the pain anyway ~ ( i sound sadistic, maybe its the night)
Made a self discovery about myself today, i can't take criticism !!! The incident is as follow: my mum was doing this target setting thing for herself..and she seek for my help to check her sentence structure..so i sat down in front of the computer..rather reluctantly...( i admit i was fatigue!! i just got home at 10.30 pm) and she started to comment that my sentence structure sounded wierd too..and i was starting to feel my blood boiling within me..Keep your cool girl..but before i knew it..i was raising my voice at her...!! =x..Thinking back..i feel guilty..but hey next time if you seek for someone's help..remember to be polite okay..you were the one who wanted help in the first place..so learn how to listen and learn..you can't learn while talking at the same time you know..~ mummy dear..i feel so hurt..you made me so frustrated but oh well..! Now my mummy is using her.." I'm never wrong" tone to make me log off..i shall be obedient =)..5 4 3 2 1..
Reflection : Before commenting on others..Take a very very close look at yourself..don't end up grieving someone's delicate soul !
¶ 11:09 PM
Depressing as it may be..i choose to believe that after whining and whining and whining..everything will fall into place..and things will be just fine ..-smilez- Oh well.. i don't have much of a choice, do i ? i can either a) find a victim to whine at or b) cry in a dark corner of the room with the insects or c) scream at everyone that crosses my path..Eventually i choose option a..as for the victim..it shall not be disclosed !
Basically..this blog started mainly due to the frustration i feeling now..and i need to vent it out ..or else..people will start suspecting its the time of the month again~ Another reason would be zhuang, cause he's the one who encouraged me to start blogging..and here i am :P..
I realised that there are some people in the world who never fails to hurt you over and over again..without knowing that they are doing so.. Fascinating isn't it..the person is totally oblivious to his actions and the impact that it has on the people around him.. i couldn't say anything..or rather i was speechless..He doesn't understand the importance he has in a person's life.. That instant when i realised that , it felt like someone had just injected anesthesia into me ..i can't feel anything initially..but gradually the pain sinks in..and it hurts big time ! This time round, the pain doesn't go away..it persists . Maybe one day he will discover what it feels like to hurt someone unknowing..maybe he will feel guilty..i don't know..the future is too unpredictable..but one thing is for sure..the pain has already been inflicted..it wouldn't go away. To that person..don't feel guilty..its not going to lessen the pain anyway ~ ( i sound sadistic, maybe its the night)
Made a self discovery about myself today, i can't take criticism !!! The incident is as follow: my mum was doing this target setting thing for herself..and she seek for my help to check her sentence structure..so i sat down in front of the computer..rather reluctantly...( i admit i was fatigue!! i just got home at 10.30 pm) and she started to comment that my sentence structure sounded wierd too..and i was starting to feel my blood boiling within me..Keep your cool girl..but before i knew it..i was raising my voice at her...!! =x..Thinking back..i feel guilty..but hey next time if you seek for someone's help..remember to be polite okay..you were the one who wanted help in the first place..so learn how to listen and learn..you can't learn while talking at the same time you know..~ mummy dear..i feel so hurt..you made me so frustrated but oh well..! Now my mummy is using her.." I'm never wrong" tone to make me log off..i shall be obedient =)..5 4 3 2 1..
Reflection : Before commenting on others..Take a very very close look at yourself..don't end up grieving someone's delicate soul !
¶ 11:09 PM
